At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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