She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
