tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
