i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Randomize
