and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
