1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
