Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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