She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
