life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
