there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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