i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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