I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
