Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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