I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
