I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
