I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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