True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
