i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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