I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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