she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
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