FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
we made out on top of his cat.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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