How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
