He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Drake has all the answers
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
