the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
oh god was she eating orange peels again
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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