my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
