our cab driver is having phone sex.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Church boner. Awkwardddd
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Randomize
