My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
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