Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
