My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
