Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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