The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
