and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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