The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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