I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I smell stomach acid.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
