ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
