Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
