my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
