you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
