truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
