just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
