All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
