tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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