Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
