wrigley field is MILF paradise
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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