So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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