who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
