Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I need a beard to bite.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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