Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
