i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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