its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
