I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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