Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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