I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
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