He uses pillows to masturbate.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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